When I woke up this morning, I felt unusually well. Most mornings I am greeted by a massive wall of pain upon awakening. The kind that you react to, with a moment or two of panic, until you remember that you are "okay". Most mornings remind me of what it might feel like to wake up in a hospital after having been in a major accident and losing consciousness. However, in this case, all of your bones are intact, even though your spine feels like it has been crushed. The pain radiates into my hips and down my legs. My knees feel like they have been shattered by a blow from a baseball bat. As I get my barings, I remember that this is just another typical morning in the world of chronic pain.
This morning was different. It was almost surreal. It is actually disorienting when pain isn’t the first thing that barges into my mind the moment I wake up. These rare experiences are most welcome, but surreal non the less as they have become so unfamiliar.
When did waking up in agony become the norm? When did I start reassuring myself upon waking that I’m "okay"? There is really nothing okay about feeling this way, yet I can reassure myself that I’m not in danger. Does that make sense?
So today the pain stayed fairly quiet until early this afternoon, when it started reminding me that it had not gone very far. Fatigue had taken the place of pain this morning. These are the days that I realize how much energy hurting takes from me each day. It’s like when I finally get a break from the pain, my system crashes and knows that it needs some recovery time before it starts all over again.
On the rare occasion that the pain is low, I want to be able to do something productive, but the fatigue is so heavy that all I can do is doze in and out of a state somewhere between barely awake and barely asleep.
In other words, most of the day was a write off, however I was grateful for the few hours I had of low pain levels this morning 😉
The answers I really want, are ones that nobody can accurately provide. I understand all the bioneurological mumbo jumbo, but I really don’t get how all of this became my reality? I would have never predicted that my days would revolve around pain, fatigue, medication, nausea, muscle weakness, remembering to eat and to keep hydrated, among countless other health related tasks that consume the hours of my days.
Next time someone asks me the dreaded question "what do you do?" (Referring to employment), I think my answer should be "I manage chronic illnesses". 😉
~ Gentle Hugs
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