Living In Chaos

Clutter, messes, disorganization, and just chaos in general, stresses me out and drives me crazy.

Before chronic illness became a part of my everyday life, everything had it’s place, I was organized and on top of everything that needed to be done.  I liked it that way!  Our home operated in an efficient manner, which made everything less stressful.

How chronic illness has changed that!  Despite investing what little energy I have to accomplish what was once just second nature, I feel that I can’t even make a dent in what needs to be done.  It all becomes very overwhelming, when I look around and feel that I’m trying to survive in a chaotic environment.

My husband does an awful lot at home for me, and if it wasn’t for him stepping up and taking over everything that I’m unable to accomplish, we’d be in serious quicksand.  That being said, he also has alot of responsibilities that come with his job, and is tired at the end of the day.  There are only so many hours in the day, and the guy needs some down time too!  He works very hard, to keep us afloat financially, and will likely be returning to his second job soon, for a bit of much needed supplemental income.  It can’t help but frustrate me, that he wouldn’t have to pick the second job back up, if he was being paid a competitive wage in his management position. The benefits are great, and especially with my medical expenses, that is the major incentive for him not to move to another company.

I hate that I haven’t been able to work for the last 2 years.  I’ve always worked hard and been able to supplements our family’s income, and took great pride in being a working Mom, who was also able to be at home with my children.  It has been a difficult situation to accept, that I am no longer able to contribute to our family financially.

These past couple of years have been an adjustment in more ways that I can begin to count, and especially in the last couple of weeks, I feel like I am being sucked back into really missing my old life.  Obviously, I’ve missed it all along, but most of the time, I can push it to the back of my mind, and do what needs to be done.  I try not to think about how my being ill has derailed us from the plans we originally had for a bright future, and forced us to find ways to adapt to the road we now walk.  For some reason, I’m having an extremely difficult time pushing any of it out of my mind lately.  I want to go back to work so much, and be a functioning part of society, and do the things I’m good at doing!  I’m not good at being a chronic pain patient!  I’m tired of my health holding me back from doing the things I want to do, and emotionally, I feel like I have taken two steps back in accepting and overcoming it.

So, my dear readers, this post was originally intended to talk about getting organized and what needs to happen to prepared for “back to school”, but it seems that I had other things I needed to get off my chest 😉  LOL

I appreciate each and every one of you who visits me at Chronic Connection, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time and energy to read and comment 🙂

Sending you all a ton of (((gentle hugs)))!

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7 Responses to Living In Chaos

  1. Sherlock says:

    As I’m reading your post today, out of the corner of my eyes I see the clutter and my to-do list from yesterday. The clutter is on the list but the list only has 3 items crossed off. There were originally 8 items. Clutter is not one of the items crossed off. Like you, I hate to ask the hubster to do more stuff around the house when he gets home from a long day at work plus a long commute in crazy rush hour traffic. So we make lists for the weekend and he does a lot, I do a little, and he also gets to get out and play golf with friends. It’s hard going from being in independent do-it-all type of person to one who is in pain all the time and often can’t do much of anything we could do before. When the grown kids were toddlers, I used to take apart bunk beds, move them around, and put them back together all by myself. I moved furniture all the time. I carried kids, strollers, whatnot everywhere. *sigh* Now I know that when we have grandchildren eventually, I won’t be carrying a baby around.

    Things change and we adapt as best we can. I can tell you appreciate your hubby as I do mine (they do so much for us without complaint). I always feel that he deserves at least a half day every weekend to do as he pleases. For my guy,l golf is his favorite activity. Whatever he likes to do for R&R, make sure he gets plenty of guilt-free time every weekend to get away and do something for himself.

    Hang in there, there will be better days here and there and we just need to be patient and enjoy when they come around.

    • Nancy says:

      Thanks for your comment Sherlock, it’s always nice to hear from you! I appreciate your support and words of encouragement 🙂 Hubby has a work get together tonight. Spouses are invited, so we’ll be getting a bit of time out together. Unfortunately, it’s bowling…LOL. I will be going along for moral support, or as my hubby said “his cheerleader” 😉

  2. Dot says:

    Nancy, I am so glad you wrote about this. Organization and keeping things clean and tidy is a constant struggle for me. I try to store things close to where they are used, label everything, and when I’m feeling semi-okay I always go through my things to find giveaways/donations. I have 3 pill boxes per day and alarms to remind me to take meds. But when I have a flare up or migraine, which is a couple times a week — everything is thrown off and it feels like little piles form everywhere I go. Does that happen to you? What techniques do you use? I am so fortunate to have Fibro Mom helping me. I know how lucky I am, but I’d like to be a little more effective.

    • Nancy says:

      Hi Dot 🙂 This happens to me all the time too! I feel like I spend so much time in survival mode, that I don’t even notice everything piling up around me. When I finally get a manageable day, it’s like waking up to the aftermath.

      For me, the best thing is consistency, but that’s easier said than done when you are in the midst of a flare or migraines. It is not uncommon for me to go weeks and even months before I finally catch enough relief to be able to function enough to really start dealing with organizing or anything that is not absolutely necessary, like feeding my kids and paying bills online 😉

      A couple of things that help me, when I can actually follow through with it:

      * I try to remember to always put the mail in the same place, and not toss it off to the side somewhere that I might forget about it. For something so simple, I’ve misplaced important mail, more times than I can count.

      * I have a filing cabinet to store everything in separate folders that are labeled, so that it’s easier to find stuff when I need it, but again….it’s easy to get severely behind.

      I have a few binders that contain only one “topic” each. For example: “Chronic Pain Centre” contains all the forms and information documents I have had to fill out, or that I have received from them, and I keep it near my computer desk, so that if I have to find anything pertaining to my health, or need to refer back to info, I know exactly where all my medical stuff is.

      * My blackberry is my biggest saving grace. Almost everything I need to know or do is in my bb, and I have alarms and reminders going off all the time to try and keep me on track. I would be really lost without my bb. It is my only connection to the outside world most of the time because I can’t sit at the computer for long before the pain increases to more than I can bare.

      I don’t know if this is helpful at all. I hope it is 😉 If I think of any really good ideas, I’ll let you know! Lol

      Thanks for stopping in and chatting!

  3. shoshana says:

    I am so sympathetic. I too am an organized person. I looked around the apartment this week, a year and 3 months after I landed in the hospital with lupus nephritis, and couldn’t believe how my once well-ordered home was in shambles. My husband picks up the burden of the work, both in income and in household chores, but can’t possibly do it all. The loss of my income combined with my inability to sustain vertical time to do anything has taken a tremendous toll on our lives.
    Fortunately, our son is older and quite self sufficient. Thanks for giving me the comfort that I’m not the only one in this situation and that is it normal (if anything could be normal about this disease) to fall apart.

  4. Nancy says:

    Shoshana, thank you so much for taking the time to leave a comment and share your experience with me and the rest of the Chronic Connection community. You are certainly not alone. There is an amazing network of “chronic folks” online who can relate all too well to each other and the impact that chronic illnesses have on every area of our lives. I hope you will continue to visit, as I look forward to getting to know you!

    Remember to be gentle with yourself (((gentle hugs))),


  5. Kathy says:

    Boy could I relate. Just last week I was lamenting to a friend about how having Fibro makes me feel “left behind” in so many ways….and this week I have a bunch of stuff to do around the house, and feel completely overwhelmed by it, at which point I just start to shut down and don’t want to even face any of it.

    I really would like a Blackberry but wonder how much more my cell bill will be with it.

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